Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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