I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize