I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Boobs are out for the taking
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
