i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
