look no pants
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
