Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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