just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Randomize
