Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
