And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
