im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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