I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
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