he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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