I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
