is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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