Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
