I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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