Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
