READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
