from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Randomize
