How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
