i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
