We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize