Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
