This house was built for laser tag.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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