The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
It's blow job season.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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