for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
