you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
