I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
