By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
