I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
