Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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