and you said cock pushups were impossible
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
