do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
