just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
