i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
