i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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