you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
