What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
