Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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