can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
