Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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