You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
