I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
