ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
