I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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