I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
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