i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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