I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
