Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
