You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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