Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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