Already got asked if we're dating
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
