you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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