The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Help. Why am I so naked?
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