At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
