I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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