not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
my sisters under your porch take her home
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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