Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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