I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
