im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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